Fantastic Plastic Action Figure(s)

Hey, Ramona:

While I’m certainly very glad to have voted for the man, thoughts of Barack Obama do not make me (as) horny as they seem to do for you. And that’s okay. I’m not criticizing you, you-thoroughly-disgusting-pervert you. But I ran across this picture of a new poseable action figure (made in Asia, of course), and I imagined that you might like it — both for it’s virile Obama-ness and its ironic white-collar butchness. So there!

So here:


The original link I’d seen, that would have allegedly led me to the Obama action figure page in the Japanese toy maker’s on-line shop, is no longer valid.

I gather there’s been some controversy and some protest from victims’ rights groups with regard to showing our new president in this sort of lethal guise.

But, personally, I think it’s just one of the cooler action figures I’ve ever seen. (Although, I will confess to not being much of a connoisseur of action figures, or of any other such collectibles for that matter. Why, before the G.I. Joe action figure was created and mass-marketed to boys back in the mid-1960s, it was generally unthinkable that any American boy would be encouraged to play with a doll. Hasbro’s Marketing Department had to come up with the term “action figure” just to make the product sound a little less-queer. It is my sincere belief that there would be a whole lot less middle-aged gay men today if it were not for the introduction of G.I. Joe 45 years ago. Me? I never had one of those dolls. And while I’m no longer a practicing heterosexual, I’m not now gay. And that’s all because my parents had the good sense to keep such harmful toys away from my two brothers and me during our Wonder Years. And the whole question ’bout dolls being anatomically-correct, or not? Well, I’m told that Joe was NOT made to be anatomically-correct. [To re-coin the kind of “If the Army had wanted you….” statements our Drill Sergeants sometimes told us during Basic Training: “If the Army had wanted you to have a cock, Private, one would have been issued to you!”] Had Hasbro made Joe with a plastic penis, or had they offered some models with and other models without schlongs* — either way, severe psycho-sexual damage could not have been avoided, simply because Boys Aren’t Supposed To Play With Dolls!)

(Yeah, yeah, I can hear you giggling now as you’re thinking that, ironically, an anatomically-incorrect G.I. Joe could cock his gun but never gun his cock, you-thoroughly-disgusting-pervert you. Jeez.)

And blah, blah, blah….

And so it goes.

And so I go.

Be well, Ramona m’Dear (you-thoroughly-disgusting-pervert you), be happy….

Love ‘n’ sticky stuff, Brother “Me as a Ninja? Forget that. Why, I usually cut myself shaving. And I’d always be bothered ’bout that silent-W in the word ‘sword.’ I mean, WTF!?” Dave

PS: Is the Ninja Obama action figure anatomically-correct? Does it have a plastic schlong*, or not? Well, I really don’t care to know, thank you very much. So there! — LnSS, BD

* “Schlong,” of course, is just a euphemism for the word “penis.” If you should find it to be offensive to you (or not nearly offensive enough), you might find one of the following euphemisms to be more to your liking: chode, dick, Jimmy Piddle, Johnson, sausage, hotdog, wiener, dong, one-eyed trouser snake, shaft, tool, hard-on, doink, weewee, love muscle, rock slug, Ol’ Baggins McGee, hose, rod, No-it’s-not-a-banana-in-my-pocket I-really-am-happy-to-see-you, pickle, stiffy, prick, piece of pork, Percy, John Thomas, love machine, heat-seeking love missile, heat-seeking moisture missile, purple-helmeted warrior of love, lap rocket, quiver bone, pocket rocket, port steeple, whoopee stick, dude piston, purple-headed yogurt-slinger, wedding tackle, dork, ding-dong, mighty rainstick, wang, little fireman, thing, male member, male sex organ, peter, pecker, hog, pud, cock, Willy, tally-whacker, beef bayonet, sword (Yes, with that weird little silent-W.), the wild baloney pony, one’s little head, one’s other head. one’s second head, the little soldier, magic wand, joystick, jack hammer, frankfurter, Captain Winkie, summer sausage, jack-in-the-box, weenie, beaver cleaver, bishop, boner, meat, knob, pork sword (Oy!), woody, Todger, custard cannon, winky, purple-headed furry-clam-stabber, crank, one-eyed yogurt chucker, One-Eyed Pete, Man meat, one-eyed wonder worm, throbbing python of love, doodle, gun, love pump, red rocket, pink rocket, one-eyed wonder lizard, meat thermometer, phack stick, spitting cobra, donut puncher, pole, totem pole, fuck stick, doinkle, wet wee willy whacker, Mr. Happy, Cupid’s Arrow, skin flute, Lincoln log, Johnny West, “[Insert male owner’s name here] Junior,” Harry Johnson, Harry Wang, pants python, manhood, member, ankle spanker, anaconda, tinkle-gun, donut holder, donkey wobbler, Big John, tummy banana, intercuntinental ballistic missile, The Sperminator, pipe, pipecleaner, baby-maker, bald-headed butler, bathtub eel, bearded blood sausage, belly ruffian, bum tickler, club, crack haunter, creamstick, carnal stump, dingus, dipstick, dart o’ love, dooflicker, fiddle bow, fishing rod, giggle stick, gravy-maker, joint, lance, master of ceremonies, meat whistle, middle leg, Mister Goodwrench, milkman, mutton dagger, Old Blind Bob, one-eyed nightcrawler in a turtleneck sweater, one-eyed trouser trout, pants muscle, pile driver, pink pencil, pink poker, prong, pump handle, putz, Saint Peter, manroot, Uncle Dick, winkle, legless iguana, His Excellency, Your Majesty, The Commissioner, Ghengis Khan, Cyclops, The Hulk, The Purple Avenger, Eisenhower, King Kong, The Dragon, Cujo, the hairy hound of hedonism, jackhammer, screwdriver, drill, love pistol, passion rifle, pink torpedo, stealth bomber, Vienna sausage, tube steak, throbbing manhood, swelling passion, growing desire, sweaty cigar, and…


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