A Western Wet Dream

horse2WWD is my satirical take on the male-dominant, Hollywood-hacked, all-American, heroic anti-hero Outlaw mythos. (Whew!) So, money, guns, explosions, drugs, sex, and violence are all integral to the plot, of course. Never gratuitious. Never ever.

I tried to use just about every Hollywood cliche I could think of when writing WWD. Even at the end of the song when our narrator returns to reality, he smokes a cigarette after having sex… regardless of the fact that his orgasm was due to auto-erotic nocturnal emission rather than an actual coupling. (What? Too much information?)

Roy Rogers and TriggerThe anachronism of including a car and a pickup truck in an Old West setting was inspired by countless Saturday mornings of watching Roy Rogers on TV when I was a kid. Roy and Dale wore shootin’ irons, rode around on horses, and tangled with cattle rustlers, horse thieves, bank robbers, stagecoach holdup men, and sundry other Old West desperado-types. But hey, their ol’ sidekick Pat Brady drove around in that contrary Willies Jeep, Nellybelle. And I seem to recall that Dale would leave her horse Buttermilk in the barn sometimes while she drove a Woody. And I think Roy even had a twin-engine speedboat. So was Roy Rogers living in the 1880s or the 1950s?

(Sidebar: Pat Brady was good in his role as sidekick, but he could never replace Gabby Hayes. No one could.)

For me, this song evokes a continuous stream of strong visual images. Although I don’t remember having written a video script for WWD, I finally found the screen treatment and posted it elsewhere on this site. (Note: Some of the scenes in the “Director’s Cut” of my imagination are X-rated. However, I suggest that you direct the action and adjust your camera angles for an R-rated version, or something even tamer, for your first read-through.)

Read the lyrics below, skip to the Lead Sheet for the words. — BD

A Western Wet Dream

Words by David R. Lister

Well, I felt just like an outlaw
Lookin’ for a chance to make my break
So I left the bar, jumped in my car
And cased the bank: It was a piece of cake
Hoped my last stick of dynamite was all right
‘Cause I could not afford a mistake
But when that thunder came and the money rained
Lord, I felt a lot like Jesse James

When I blew into that ghost town
A full moon was on the rise
With a posse on your trail, you never fail
To take your loved ones by surprise
So I tip-toed the stair of that old hotel
Found her with her fingers between her thighs
I said, “How do you do?”
She said, “I usually think of you,
But my trigger finger’s just the wrong size.”

We rode all night until we could not ride no more
She said, “You’ve been gone so long
That now I’m feelin’ sorta saddle sore.”
So we rolled up our old bedroll
And some Acapulco loco cigarettes
Then I stashed the loot in my rifle boot
And we headed off to pay all our debts

I was riding shotgun from the bed of her pickup truck
She was dodgin’ tumbleweeds
Without really havin’ much luck
We hit a prairie dog hole around high noon
Soon the pickup she pulled up lame
I fired merciful lead right between her headlights
And, God, I took the Lord’s name in vain

Well, we kept on walkin’ till it read late
On my old gold pocket watch
We stopped, she spread that bedroll out
Then she reached up to touch my crotch
And she said, “If this thing’s loaded,
Come on, boy, we’ll carve another notch.”
I was bulging at the seams of my faded jeans
But all I dared do was watch

Then bullets started fallin’ from all around
One hit me, so I hit the ground
I pulled my pistol, fanned off six rounds
And for each shot fired
A bounty-hunting bastard fell down

I blew the smoke from the barrel
Of my true and trusty gun
I blew her a kiss, said, “After this,
Do you still want some fun?”
Then I drew a deep breath for all the love and the death
Till my chest near my heart start to hurt
That’s where I’d been shot. And I’d be dead if not
For the Bible in the pocket of my shirt

So I knelt down beside her on the blanket to reload my gun
Then we made hot love by the light of the setting sun
She must’ve had me go at least six rounds
‘Cause by dusk all my lust was expended
I’d the girl and the gold, but there’s no more to be told
‘Cause that’s where my wet dream ended

Well, there really is more to be told
When I was shaken awake
I was sweaty, hot, and cold
Feelin’ kinda clammy in my messy jammies
My wife was saying, “Dammit, Dave!
How’s a body t’ get any rest
With you yelling ‘Bang, bang, bang!’ in your sleep!?”
So I said, “I’m sorry, Dear.
Guess my dream seemed a little too violent…
Do ya wanna make love?”
Well, she rolled away, becoming silent
Just as I had bet
So I tip-toed to the bathroom
To wash myself off
And smoke a cigarette

I had the girl and the gold, now there’s no more to be told
‘Cause that’s where my dream had ended

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